Home again

I suppose I must have had great expectations about what would happen on our pilgrimage or how I would be transformed by it? I don’t remember that, all I recall is great excitement.

I normally had expectations about everything. though.   My life, a career, love, marriage, children, my relationship with my children and my parents, friendships, the spiritual relationship between  Guru and disciple, even how all the people in my world should behave—for all these I had expectations and was  self-righteously indignant when others did not live up to them.  I was generally disappointed for the most of  my  twenties and thirties.   (although i must say motherhood was  much more than I expected).   Was life only an unraveling of an intricate web of karma?    Was I  just immature, romantic, selfish, unrealistic, cynical?     Or is it expectation itself that is  the wrong action?

Everything is always perfect even in its imperfection. This is what filled my head and heart, as I hugged Randy, Devananda and Govindan, who had participated with me in one of the most intensely spiritual experiences of my life.

I was beginning to  see just how absolutely everything happens precisely at the right time and in the proper way to create the right conditions for change.   And how connected we are to one another and how we are used to help one another.   Our spiritual relationships are not meant to get us together, they are meant to get us Home.   And how transformation  occurs with precise timing, slowly nourishing and seeping into our being, one level at a time.

A Pilgrimage accelerates the process, however one must repeat as necessary.

I was beginning to see how my whole life had actually been timed quite well, without me doing much of the planning.   My planning never seemed to get me anywhere.  When I thought now I had to break free of limitations, or develop this or that potential or start to do some particular work or sadhana – all I really had to do was to wait cheerfully and be in life consciously and do what was required of me at any moment in time.  The things I had need to transform in my life always arrived at the right time organically without any effort on my part.   These situations were always clear;  I had no choice to make.    Of course the key is always awareness—you have to be aware so that when a state of immediacy arises, you recognize it, take the action necessary and open to the opportunity presented.  But it really is as simple as that—  And awareness is the key, but the secret of success is fearlessness.   Fearlessness is the secret of any life worth living.

Today we hear much about the “secret” to getting everything we desire. We are to let our desires create our reality.  We want something to happen so we visualize it, develop it and then allow it happen.  But ask yourself, “does this grant me freedom?”   I don’t know?   We accept responsibility for our life,  but it can get us so entangled in egoistic desire and ambition that we may miss something of a much greater value– that which our soul has to offer us.   All if know is that my greatest happiness and greatest sense of freedom arises out of letting go, not knowing what will happen next and waiting patiently to see.

When I returned from this pilgrimage, the transformation I felt  was a sense of fearlessness.  I felt free to live without knowing what would happen next, free to live without expectation, free to live without interference or conflict.  Freedom from expectation or emotional responses allowed me  to think and act with clarity and kindness.   And my life did change significantly, but in an atmosphere of cooperation and compassion and even unconditional love.  This was no little transformation.

There is a subliminal part of our being that has direct perception of the world.   It is not the waking mind that travels on the surface, nor is it physical senses or vital intuition or reason.   It is of our inner subtle senses of sight, hearing, touch, taste and smell that are not confined to our physical environment.  I began to rely on these more and more.

I think fearlessness allows us to tap into these inner senses and receive their guidance.   Perhaps fearlessness prepares us for more transformation.  Perhaps as we allow the soul to manifest and influence us, fearlessness arises.   Maybe fearlessness can transform the rest my human nature.  I don’t know and that makes me happy.

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