Walking through the open door

A door gently swings open…and a force arises from deep within.

The Badrinath/Santopanth Tal pilgrimage blessed me with Faith in something beyond my understanding, which was taking control of my life.  Surprisingly, that truth, rather than disturbing me, brought me immense gratitude and relief.  My doubting nature was dissolving.  There was no thing to question, no thing to fear.

To my surprise others around me began regularly to mention my deeply devotional nature.  “Did I seem that?”  “Was I?”   I did not have a religious nature. I would never think of displaying my devotion outwardly.  Yet, that must be what I was feeling.   I yearned to swim in that inner vast, calm, equal-minded consciousness, which often accompanied my thoughts, perceptions, and enthusiasm.  A channel had been opened through that yearning (the devotional heart?) to an underlying calmness that regularly acted upon mental agitations in my mind,  quieting it, redirecting it, widening it.   It allowed me at times to perceive directly without thinking first.   It filled my heart with love.  That love would often overwhelm me and  engulf others, even strangers in it.

In Santopanth, I had been initiated into a relationship with my inner Self.  I realized this relationship was the one I had yearned for all my life– the most constant and most intimate one I would ever have.  How could any external relationship ever come close to it?  No one would relate to me,  moment to moment, every minute of my life, the way the inner Self does.  It had always been there dominating and directing the experiences of my life. It was my own inner Self that determined when I should feel pain, pride and selfishness or joy and love, beauty, kindness and compassion.  And now my inner Self had determined the time to unlock my heart to Self/Guru/God.

My devotion was deeply resonating with this most intimate, secret Self.  The Siddhas say that Devotion creates an unbreakable link with the Self and transfer one’s center of dynamic effectuation from the hands of the ego to the hands of the soul.  This link opens the channel for a higher consciousness to work out of Divine Will.  This higher, concentrated consciousness is always centered and harmonious, whereas our ordinary human consciousness and will, acts from dispersed haphazard feelings and impulses from vital desire, physical need or mental ideas.

Devotion allowed me to witness my thoughts and feelings as I was having them, or at least gave me time later on to correct those that were wrong.  It stopped many of my knee-jerk reactions and judgments.   Devotion to the Self allowed me to take responsibility for all my suffering.  It  drew my mind away from irritations and pain in my mind and psyche and into contemplation with what I was now calling the mind of God– that concentrated consciousness, full of luminosity and awareness.  My meditations became prayers, not asking for something, but as an expression of Love. Love is my experience of Devotion.

I had always been a passionate person with a determined personality, perhaps stubborn, impatient and highly loyal.  Yet, I felt a letting go of this persona too.  In fact for a while, I didn’t know who I was or what was important to me.  There was a sense that I was in the midst of an identity crisis. I knew who I wasn’t but not who I was.  I didn’t talk about this with anyone. I didn’t talk much actually during the year that followed.  I pretended I was the same person. But much of the time I felt emotionally that  I was  swimming in uncharted waters.  I was most comfortable in meditation and also while driving, for some reason.  I wanted to drive across the country. Had it been summer, not fall, I would taken Alexander and done just that. I tried to be normal with my sons.  Carl was in college and busy with his life. Alexander was in High School.  I think he was the only one who was aware of me , in those days. He is very empathetic.

He and I had long talks about everything and were deeply connected.  A year earlier we had gone as a family to see the movie the Truman Show.  He was sitting two chairs down from me… but he kept looking around Mikael to say to me… “What is going on?  Are you okay?”  I was totally out of my physical awareness and observing from a perspective that I cannot describe other than to say I was watching myself watch the movie and totally identified with the light behind that, which was being projected onto the screen of my own awareness.  It was unique experience for me at that time.  I don’t know, perhaps the Truman Show had that affect on many people.  But after the movie, Alexander came around to me and held me tightly as we walked out.   No one but Alexander noticed that I was having difficulty determining what was real.  I was back to normal the next day.

Devotion to the Self leads us to take care of the Self.  To care for the Self, we become more detached from the outer senses and more aware of our inner sensing.  That can unbalance us at times in midst of life in the world.  A devotional mind, a devotional nature allows us to see that each moment is happening exactly as it must, in order for us to grow, that what is happening in each moment, or already happened is precisely or was precisely what was needed to uncover our Divinity, while living as human beings.   No matter what happens then, we are able to handle it.

I would have spontaneous trains of thought and feelings, which took me off into imagination or memories, and away from what was happening in the present moment.  I had reactions to another awareness, yet found that when I brought my attention upon the external present, I was calm and happy.  Without faith and devotion I could imagine I would have returned to the present moment upset, depressed, angry, or frightened.

Later that year, on my way to South Florida, I stopped overnight to visit with my friend Jackie.  We knew each other very well. I had known her for ten years and we had shared all our stories with one another.  We started a deep conversation at dinner and had come back to her apartment and continued it. I recall we were in her kitchen and we were discussing from two very different points of view about my inclination to retreat from the world and why should it be necessary to consistently withdraw the mind from its normally constant projection onto outer things. I do not remember what we were discussing at the moment she began to dissolve before my eyes.  The edge of her physical body began to dissolve and she was became more and more vibrational and  furthermore everything that she was saying and everything that I was saying was coming from the same point in space and just above and to the left of my head.   Somewhere inside myself I burst out laughing, although I don’t believe I even physically smiled. This was all a bit unusual.  I realized that everything we were saying was all nonsense.  It was just blah, blah, blah.  It just didn’t matter and that all this blah, blah, blah was coming out of the same mouth, the same consciousness, whether we accepted it or not.   These two people were expressing these opinions with such vigor, trying to convince one another, when there was no other to convince.  I could see where the voice and words were coming from, but where were the opinions coming from?  I couldn’t find the words to tell Jackie what was happening.  I excused myself and went to bed, hoping that I would wake up in the morning back to “normal.”  I did.

Perhaps that the Enlightened are able to dwell permanently in such a center, so that the divine soul directs one’s waking consciousness and active outer nature.   I do have gratitude that my inner self allowed me to contemplate and savor this intense experience, yet not “think” too much about it.

  1. No comments yet.

  1. No trackbacks yet.